OH. EM. GEEEEE!

You guys!



So I get to the Sausage Mama and the Sausagettes showbag launch and my first thought is "hmm why are there so many people here? I thought I was getting here early to set up?". I walk in to see my friends dressed in grass skirts and coconut bras and they all shout "Bula!" (hello in Fijian). I'm all "umm, Bula" and put down my bags.



Then someone (SM I think) says, "since you couldn't go to Fiji we thought we'd bring Fiji to you!" and its then I notice the sign on the wall made from flowers. I was so surprised! That is the sweetest thing! Before I can even process this (or say hello to the friends I can see that I haven't actually met yet, CC and KK!) Nerissa comes at me with a present.... a QUILT!






I was overwhelmed. And confused! I was all, "this is the SMATS launch why am I getting a quilt???" LOL! Nerissa did tell me who all of the squares were from but I am afraid I couldn't remember it all at the time.



I LOVE IT! It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! And the most meaningful! I am totally overwhelmed at the thoughtfulness and generosity of my friends, you guys are the BEST! I have carefully stowed it away in my linen cupboard until I can find a way to mount it on my wall. The cats aren't getting anywhere NEAR it with their claws! Nor is my 2 year old Peta Pantsless Pee-a-lot getting a chance to sit on it...

My Mum asked me that night if I cried when I got the quilt. I did shed a few sneaky tears but hid it well (after all those times I tell Joss its OK to cry, I wuss out in public!) Then she says "well I hope you showed the appropriate amount of gratitude and amazement!" That made me panic. Did I? Was my reaction what people were expecting? I don't know. I didn't see myself. All I know was how I felt, how I still feel, and if you contributed a square, TRUST me I LOVE it! I will cherish this quilt until the day I die!


It means so very much to me. I have been through a lot lately: losing a baby to an ectopic pregnancy then moving to a town far away from my friends where I know NO ONE. Its been a very hard time. This quilt is a beautiful reminder of how many wonderful friends I have (some I've never met!) and that I am loved.


So thankyou. ALL of you! Words cannot express how you have made me feel.



Nerissa (and your Mum)... I know how long it takes you to sew these quilts together, and I have NO idea how you managed to do it with everything else going on! I love your GUTS.


Sausage Mama, you sneaky sneaky sausage! Thankyou man. For knowing how much I would appreciate this. And how it would make me feel. I love YOU!

I hope one day I can contribute to a quilt for each and every one of you, so that you can have what I have, and feel what I feel.

Peace

My unnecesarean

Butterfly was born almost 2 years ago, via elective c section. A TRULY elective c section... I waltzed on in and asked for it! *Facepalm*

Here is how it all went down on my first visit to the OB...

OB: "How come you have chosen this hospital when you live 40 minutes away? Thats a long way in labour"
Me: "Well I wanted to talk to you about that. I want a c section"
OB: "Oh? Why?"
Me: "Well my husband had a baby with his ex girlfriend and he was stillborn"
OB: "so you are worried about that happening again?"
Me: "yes. Also, my family has a VERY strong history of uterine prolapse following birth" (a family member had recovered from surgery in recent times that was botched and her recovery was traumatic for all of us)
OB: "OK, based on those reasons I will do a c section for you"

Now, what he SHOULD have said was: "actually C sections don't decrease the likelihood of stillbirth. In fact by having one c section you will increase the chances that your future offspring will be stillborn. Also uterine prolapse is not genetic, nor is it helped by having a surgical birth"

But he didn't. I get the feeling he always expected me to change my mind, to educate myself. He always said he had "pencilled in" my c section date, and I remember thinking to myself "you may as well do it in PEN because I'm having a c section!"

Some people have told me I did the right thing, that my fears justified my decision. No. If my OB had told me that none of my reasons were valid, that a natural birth was the safest option all round, I WOULD have changed my mind. See, I have never feared birth itself, I wasn't trying to avoid contractions. I mean if you want to talk about pain, try breastfeeding a baby with an abdominal incision!

I have seen arguments online about c sections vs natural birth. People can be very defensive about their c sections. I get it, it IS hard to have someone tell you that the best day of your life (the day your child was born) was somehow substandard, a tradgedy. However when I see people saying "women should be able to CHOOSE to have a c section if they want to!" I cry "NOOOOOOO!" I chose. I was not informed. I live in regret. And with a damaged uterus.

Now I believe that my c section almost cost me my life. Why? Because if you read my last blog you would have heard about my ectopic pregnancy. I suffered a rutpured fallopian tube which went undiagnosed for a whole week, filling my abdomen with blood. Ectopic pregnancy can be caused by a few things:

Pelvic inflammatory disease caused by chlamydia: Nope. The Dr checked my liver while he was in there and said that my pristine liver told them I have never had chlamydia.

Endometriosis: Nope.

IVF treatment: Nope haven't had that either.

IUD: never had one

Smoke: Pfft never even tried the things.

Previous ectopic pregnancy: Nope

Abdominal surgery including C SECTION: Bingo.

C sections are overused in our society, damn near one in THREE women are having one these days! And all of them will tell you theirs was necessary, because thats what they've been told. If one in 3 women would have either died in childbirth or lost their baby, the human race would never have survived. If you look at statistics from The Farm in the USA, where all births are at home attended by experienced midwives, the c section rate is less than 2%. A far cry from a 30% c section rate! Not only do they have a low c section rate, but also a very low infant mortality and correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think they've ever had a maternal death (I can't check, my copy of "Spiritual Midwifery" by Ina May Gaskin is already packed for our move!)

I never wish to diminish the birth experience for any woman. Birth is extroadinary! Yes, even Butterfly's birth was amazing and wonderful and life changing. If you have had a c section, you cannot change that, but don't sign up for another without doing your own research.

My c section made breastfeeding extremely difficult. My milk was late. My baby blues were severe. My recovery was painful and slow. My uterus will always be damaged, my future births riskier than they should be. Butterfly never got to choose her birthday, she was taken out when she was because that was my OB's "surgery day". Neither of us ever felt a contraction, nor experienced the hormonal cascade of birth that aids in breastfeeding and bonding.

My c section led to an ectopic pregnancy. One that almost KILLED me. My fertility is decreased, my risk of another ectopic is increased, and I have only one fallopian tube left.

PLEASE DON'T EVER "CHOOSE" A C SECTION WITHOUT KNOWING YOUR RISKS.

I recommend reading "Spiritual Midwifery" and "Ina May's guide to Childbirth" by Ina May Gaskin. "Delivery By Appointment" by Michelle Hamer. "Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering" by Dr Sarah Buckley. And if you don't like to read, watch "The Business of Being Born" by Ricki Lake.

What I DON'T recommend is relying on a doctor to inform you about childbirth. Inform YOURSELF. Empower YOURSELF. I wish I had.

Peace.

Pregnant? But I'm BLEEDING!

Here is the full story about my recent operation for my friends and for those who might find themselves in the same situation!

My journey started on the 4th April when my period FINALLY returned 22 months post partum. It stayed for a week and a half, and then returned a week and a half later. It then hung around for 3.5 weeks!

During that time I had some bad aching pains in my right side. I thought it was period pain because I was bleeding, and it would only hit me in the afternoons. I saw a naturopath who thought it was an upper UTI, and I started drinking water and taking a cystitis remedy. The next day it was worse so I went to see a GP. He thought UTI too, although he never tested my urine as it would have been contaminated with bood anyway rendering the dipstick useless. He prescribed antibiotics but I never took them because they weren't breastfeeding safe. I just stuck to my natural path and the pain was gone within a day. I never had other UTI symptoms such as painful urination etc. No one seemed to think that was relevant.

All the while, I was also having AGONISING gas and bowel pains. Took my breath away. But I googled it and asked around and it was common for women on their periods to have bowel pain. So another symptom dismissed.

Then about a week ago I was having really sharp pains, again in my right side, during the middle of the night. It got so bad I went and woke hubby (who sleeps in the spare room due to Jossie's waking) and told him about it. Said that I might need him to call an ambulance. Or at least listen for Jossies crying in case I died. He went back to sleep. We know I'm a hypochondriac! I took two panadol (which I never do unless I am DYING) and went back to sleep. The pain went away.

Joss and I at her 2nd birthday party. At this point I was bleeding internally but had no idea! I had a vivid pregnancy dream the night before, my body was trying to tell me something...

Since then I had some annoying period like pains while packing for my Fiji trip, I assumed it was because my period was "due" again (even though I still had it!). Heat pack and panadol and I was fine.



Then the day before we were due to fly to Fiji, we were busy packing. I had been meaning to take a preg test "just in case" before I cut loose on the buffet! I didn't feel at all pregnant. I remembered at 2pm when packing the toiletries and I saw them in the drawer. So without telling hubby (who would have scoffed at me) I took a hasty test. The positive line came up IMMEDIATELY.

I yelled out to my husband. "Umm, I just took a pregnancy test and its positive".


"WHAT? Your pregnant?"


"No I really don't think so, I've been bleeding for 3 weeks remember? This is wrong, I know it. I'll call your Mum (who is a nurse)"


I phoned my mother in law who was first excited at the news, and then when I told her about the bleeding she said she would ask one of the GP's at her work and ring me back. I couldn't sit still. I was so confused, and worried. Joss wanted me to take her to the toilet so I did. I explained that Mummy was a bit frazzled because there may be a baby in my belly. She craned her neck, trying to see the baby. I laughed. Then I felt overwhelming sadness. Pregnant? But SHE'S my BABY!

I took a second test in case the first was defective. Also positive.

My mother in law phoned back and said I could be pregnant and miscarried a twin. Told me to see a dr and let her know how I go. I spoke to my hubby and we decided not to see a dr. We wouldn't get the test results before we left for Fiji anyway and if I was pregnant, I was pregnant. I started packing again and changed my mind. "BUT I've been bleeding. And remember all those pains? I better check this out". So I made an emergency appointment with the dr. Did you know you can do that? If its serious, don't ring up and ask for an appointment and give up when they say there are none. I told the receptionist it was an emergency, she asked what kind of emergency (I've been a receptionist, you would be surprised how many people think a splinter qualifies) and booked me in when I told her. I got in at 3.45pm that day, and lucky I did!

The GP immediately started talking ectopic pregnancy. We were trying to decide what to do since I was due to go overseas the next day. But health takes precedence and she ended up recommending I go to an emergency room for a scan.


Thats just what I did.

It was excruciating watching the technician scan me silently. I SO badly wanted him to smile and flip around the screen and show me a strong heartbeat. He didn't. He eventually told me my uterus was empty but he could see "something" next to my right ovary. After an internal scan he told me he had to talk to the doctor about the results. I started to cry. I knew I was in for surgery, that I wasn't pregnant and that my trip to Fiji was off. I stopped abruptly though, as my hubby and daughter came in and I didn't want her to see me upset.

I was told there was a mass near my right ovary and they promptly walked me through the doors to the emergency department. The dr told me it was most likely ectopic and that they had called a gynacologist to come and speak to me. While I waited for him a nurse came in and inserted a drip into my arm. "I guess this means I'm having surgery, then?" but she couldn't really answer me.

The doc told me you CAN treat some ectopics with drugs, but its not very successful. He also said you can try to save the fallopian tube but that there wasn't much point as it is likely to result in another ectopic down the track, and fertility wise, it only increases it by 2%. And my EP was apparently golf ball size so they were going to have to give me an operation, and that tube removal was best. I agreed. I asked hubby to text my friends to let them know what was happening (I'd told them I was heading for a scan) so they wouldn't worry. He had too much on his mind and didn't. Sorry girls! I did think of you!

I was scared. Not so much for me, but because Joss still feeds to sleep and wakes for boob often during the night, and this meant a night without me. It was already past her bedtime. Hubby ran to the car to fetch the carrier in the hope she would go to sleep. While he was gone they told me I was ready for surgery NOW. I panicked. I NEEDED to say goodbye!


Luckily hubby returned in time to give me a quick kiss, and to allow Joss to do the same. It wasn't enough. I wanted to hold her, to feel her, smell her hair, kiss her all over. I am well aware of the risks of anaesthetic and I'd never been under before. I was unsure whether I'd ever see her again. I tried to drink in every part of her gorgeousness as she disappeared through the door, blowing me kisses.

There wasn't time to be upset. I was wheeled out of the room, and had to suppress a strong urge to cry "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!". I must have been grinning like an idiot. Maybe comedy is my go to thing in a crisis, because I didn't feel scared after that, just chatted and joked with the nurses.

Soon enough I was in theatre with some dude pressing oxygen to my face asking me to take deep breaths. His hands were pushing it on so hard I thought he was going to stop my breathing. Anyway that was my last thought and I was asleep.


I woke up in recovery and it SUCKED. I only remember it sucking because I was telling the nurses "this SUCKS!" I don't even remember why. Except that the oxygen prongs in my nose were SO ANNOYING. I recall hearing something about an appendix and then feeling my Mum holding my hand. Then I went back to sleep.


At 5.30am I got a text to say hubby and Joss were on their way. I unplugged my drip (only half sure it had batteries) and ran out to ask them if it was OK that I breastfeed on the drugs they'd given me. It was, and sure enough Joss saw me and cried, "MILK!". She has been stuck to my boob ever since. I have cracked nipples like when she was a newborn!



Apparently she did worse than I expected. A LOT of tears were shed at my house while I slept in hospital. Neither of them slept much. Hubby resorted to pizza at 9pm and a late night bath! I think it traumatised both of them. Hubby wasn't sure I was ever coming home and was scared about how he could raise Joss without me. Pretty heavy all round.





When the doctor returned just before discharge he showed me the photos of my insides. GORY! Apparently my fallopian tube burst at least a WEEK ago! I am lucky to be alive. If I had've gotten on the plane to Fiji I may never have come home. The foetus was maybe 6 weeks old? My abdomen was full of blood all the way up to my liver and my appendix was caught up in the fray. So they took it out too. There was no hope of saving my tube after all anyway, as it was splattered about my insides. The gravity of the situation still hasn't hit me yet. I do wish I was in Fiji enjoying a mocktail instead of couchbound in agony, but I am very lucky.



Lucky I took a pregnancy test. Lucky I went to the drs. Lucky the foetus didn't have a heartbeat by the time I saw it on the U/S (that would have been really hard to take). Lucky to be ALIVE!

So my fertility is down to 65% of what it was. Thats OK, because to get pregnant this time must mean we are super fertile! So much bleeding and a busy month didnt leave too much time for conception. Next pregnancy I was not planning on having an ultrasounds, but this changes that. I have been advised to have an early scan next time to make sure bubs is in the right place. And I will. I don't have anything against medical procedures that are NECESSARY. Just like, I would have another c section if my life depended on it. I just won't sign up for one without labouring first!

I'm sore, I'm off for some Cadbury therapy...

Peace

Felt Hair Clip Tutorial

I fell in love with felt hairclips by paying $10 each for them on the internet... until I figured out how it was done! I will still buy clips if I see something that really grabs me, but with my quirky style sometimes flowers and butterflies just don't float my boat...



So if you would like to make your own felt hairclips you will need:


FELT


Coloured cotton or fabric glue


Plain hairclips

My supplies for making Butterfly a special character themed clip... her hair is growing in her eyes and she only lets me put clips/ribbons in if she REALLY likes them so this is designed especially for her.

So step one: make a stencil and cut out your felt in the desired shape. You will need two of the same shapes to hide the internal clip.

Step two: Sew or glue on the embellishments and align the clip taking into consideration the orientation you want it in your hair

Step three: make a small slit where the bottom part of the clip will emerge (see picture below)

Step four: insert the clip into the slit so that the largest part will be hidden within the felt

Step five: sew or glue your clip together!

These are some of the clips I have made in the past. The ladybug was made using glue, and I think I prefer that to the hand stitched character clip. Hand stitching can be a lovely feature on a flower clip, though! The Australian Flag clip was made with a store bought embroidered patch... same principle, I just cut some felt to match and glued it to the patch!

If you have a daughter that loves cars or dinosaurs, I'm betting you don't see such "masculine" things in hairclips too often! Which sucks. So make your own! Its super easy. The clip above took me around half and hour and that was with me handstitching... if I'd have used glue it would have been ten minutes!

Peace

Adelle's Sleep Deprivation Tips!

Butterfly began chronic night waking at 6 months old. She will be 2 in June. So I know a thing or two about sleep deprivation! Some of these tips I learned early on, others occurred to me THIS morning! I hope some of them can help you in some way!

TIP #1: Go to bed early (I NEVER follow this tip. And EVERY morning I wish I had!)

TIP #2: Sleep when your baby sleeps. IF they have a decent nap! I know some kids will catnap and this isn't helpful. BUT my point is, the washing can wait, have a nanna nap during the day if you can!

TIP #3: Sleep in on your partner's days off. I mean, I get up with her every night, the least he can do is take the morning shift so I can catch up on some sleep!

TIP #4: Plan your morning the night before. It is SO much easier to get out of bed if you have some kind of plan of action for the day... waking up EXHAUSTED and thinking "what am I going to do for 6 hours until nap time?" is enough to make you wanna cry.

TIP #5: Treat yourself. If you are having a particularly bad night, you can get through it by saying to yourself, "RIGHT! I am going to be extremely tired tomorrow. So I am going to take Butterfly to the coffee shop for an iced chocolate!" is a way of accepting it and giving you something to look forward to. OR I plan to make pancakes for breakfast. They delicious, and it keeps Butterfly happy (she loves to make them and eat them, too!)... can anyone say, emotional eater? LOL

TIP #6: Remember WHY you are doing this. It is what is best for her. A few years of hard work will pay off for the rest of your life!

TIP #7: IF you are planning on napping when she does, don't get too attached to the idea UNTIL she is asleep! What I mean is, I often lie down to feed her to sleep for a nap, get all dozy and glad I can finally get some sleep, and she will decide she doesn't want a nap! I have been known to cry, or scream into my pillow, when this happens! So say to yourself "she probably won't sleep just now. So when she's had enough milk we will and try again later". This one I came up with like, half an hour ago! Luckily eventually she DID go to sleep! Woohoo time to get my blog on!

TIP #8: chuck a positive spin on the situation. I read once that night waking babies have a higher IQ. If this isn't true, I don't care, it makes me feel better at 2am! (and 3am and 4am and 5am LOL)

TIP #9: positive affirmations! Repeat some in your head to keep you in the right headspace... "I accept you, just as you are" "I will be here as often as you need me" etc

TIP #10: COSLEEP! How can I forget this one! I would get NO sleep if I actually had to haul ass out of bed to feed Butterfly! Now, I know some people (and babies) hate to share the same bedspace. Actually, thats us! Butterfly sleeps in her cot, with one side removed, pushed up against our bed. Its exactly the same level. So we sleep on the same level but each have our own space. This is also a great option for those petrified of rolling onto your child.

TIP #11: Its ok to get mad, to get upset, and to need help. We are only human, and even the best of us will crack after a night of literally NO sleep (I've had nights where B has woken so often that I hadn't even gotten back to sleep between feeds!) It can be hard to drag yourself out of a funk. Try some of the tips above, and if all else fails, consult a block of chocolate! Recently I was having a terrible day, Butterfly woke up early after a horrendous night. I said, much to my own disappointment "Joss, this isn't just about you! Mummy needs sleep, OK? Go back to sleep!" she replied with, "no, no seep, mummy"... so I started to cry. Her bottom lip fell, she hates to see me upset. She said, "No, no sad mummy" and grabbed my face, planting a big kiss on my lips, "Happy?" she asked? How could I not be! What an angel! I felt much better after that.


On a really bad day I will take Butterfly somewhere where she will have fun with minimal effort from me. Like, an indoor play area at a shopping centre. OR I'll resort to sticking in a DVD and lying on the couch. We don't watch a lot of TV so the occasional day won't hurt!

Seriously, I have just gotten used to sleep deprivation over time. I hardly notice it anymore! When Butterfly was younger and woke only once during the night, I'd wake in the morning like a zombie! We didn't cosleep back then so I had to get up! Nowadays I can function fine on little sleep.

My heart goes out to all the other tired Mummas around! You aren't alone!

If you have any sleep deprivation tips, I would love to hear them. What do you do on your worst days?

YAAAWWWWWNNN!

Peace

Let them crawl before they walk...

I was deeply saddened by some responses I saw on a status update recently. An 8 month old was waking twice during the night (NORMAL) so the mother was asking for advice. Most of which was to switch to formula to "stuff em full" (NOOOO!!!) or to let them cry it out (NOT NORMAL). Hearing mothers say, "He's old enough not to need feeds during the night!" At 8 months? FACEPALM.

As a society these days we expect too much of our babies. People "like me" (aka attached parents, hippies, whatever) are seen as "mollycoddlers" who are raising a bunch of sooks. Teaching your child to "self settle" by letting them scream is supposed to teach them independance. I disagree.

Imagine this.

You start your first job. You walk through the front door, and your boss says, "OK, here is your workstation. Have a good day, I'll see you at 5pm!" and walks out. No training, no one showing you what to do. You call out to him because you have a question but he ignores you. Eventually you realise you have to figure this out on your own so you start jabbing at the keyboard uncertainly, no clue as to what to do. Having never been shown the way, you are never confidant in what you are doing, always nervous that you are making mistakes.

Now what if, on that first day, your boss stayed with you, showed you around, told you what you were expected to do. He stays with you for the first week, answering your questions, often doing the job for you so you can see how its done. Soon enough you don't need him there anymore, you are confidant that you know what to do. You continue with your work quite happily from then on, knowing that should you have a question or need some help, you need only ask him and he'll come back and point you in the right direction.

I know which boss I'd prefer!

As a follow on from my last blog, about the reasons I continue with AP in the face of sleepless nights...

I believe that aiding your child to sleep, by rocking, patting, breastfeeding or just BEING there... is NORMAL. Most babies desperately need their parents close at night time, its a scary time for a small child, who is so new to this world that the first poo that slid outta their butt must have scared the HELL out of them! I believe that by feeding my child to sleep, sleeping with her in my bed, and attending to her at night is helping her onto the road to independance. One day she won't need (or want) me there when she goes to sleep. That day will come. She will tell ME when she is ready for that.

And you know what? It might take YEARS to get to that point. YES, YEARS! Who CARES that the baby next door has been sleeping through from 3 months old. His mother might have forced that upon him OR he may just be that type of kid naturally. There is always too much comparison going on between mothers. "HER baby is sleeping through, why not MINE?"

Parenting your children is a long, hard road. Yes, the CIO method might seem like an awesome "quick fix", which I don't doubt it is. However I have seen evidence to indicate that children such as these tend to be MORE insecure and dependant than a child who is parented at night time. In the long run. I'm putting in the hard yards now for, what I believe to be, a fantastic end result!

I would dearly love to see less emphasis on making babies "grow up" prematurely, and more on accepting their needs and MEETING them.

How many times do we hear, "Enjoy it! They grow up SO fast!". I'm in no hurry for Butterfly to grow up. She will, and all too soon! I'ma enjoy her babydom, thankyou very much :)

Peace

No one said motherhood was easy...

I am not the type of person you will see with a status update like, "Butterfly is SO annoying! Give me 5 minutes of peace kid!" Its not my bag, baby. I'm a big believer in not slagging your kids out, especially not on the net where they could potentially see it one day. And ESPECIALLY not in front of them. I'm also a believer in putting out positive energy to recieve it in return.

So I rarely blog about the times that motherhood is really tough. I'm pretty private in that regard. I feel like, I advocate attachment parenting because I strongly believe it is the best way to raise a child, so its hard to turn around and admit that sometimes its really hard. Advocates of CIO, for example, have an advantage in that they can say, "Let your child cry themselves to sleep, it'll be a tough few nights but then you'll be able to sleep through the night!" Its so appealing to a yet-to-be parent or a new mother struggling with a crying newborn.

I get to say, "Attachment parenting is great! I breastfeed to sleep, and whenever Butterfly wants it through the night! Which is, like, hourly..." Its not very appealing, huh. BUT I have friends who do the same and their babies sleep through (or wake ONCE) from a few months old. If you end up in the same situation as me, it IS hard, but I totally believe it is worth it. I've committed to putting in the hard yards for an amazing end result. I'm not after a quick fix.

Much of the time Butterfly and I coexist happily, each content with the situation. Not lately. I've been having a rough time. My period returned, which saw a week of REALLY painful breastfeeding. Funnily enough although that was painful I managed OK. What has really gotten me down is Butterfly's new feeding habits. Now, I know full well that she is both teething and sick. It still doesn't prevent my blood from boiling when she asks for milk, has LITERALLY two sucks, asks, "Other?" has two sucks from that one, asks "Other?" and wants to feed like that for ten minutes. I try to keep a reasonably happy face on, when inside my head I am screaming obscenities and getting more and more frustrated. Which is totally counterproductive, I know, and I really should get onto reading "Buddhism for Mothers" by Napthali again!

I guess I'm still trying on my new hormones and having a small person in my personal space all the time is frustrating.

Also, nightweaning was a big fat FAIL. We did excellently, then she got sick, so we went back to night feeding. When we picked it back up it went OK for a few days, but then she started sobbing for milk during the night. I've consulted with my AP Obi Wan who says its OK that she isn't ready, and to try again later. Thats a MAJOR load off, because sticking it out would have meant far too much crying for my liking. However... it has taken its toll on me, having had a few decent nights sleep and then going back to sleep deprivation town. I'm acclimatising all over again!

My frustration levels have caused a slip in my peaceful parenting, and I've been snapping a lot more. I never scream at Butterfly (OK, so it might have happened once or twice), but lately I have been using a tone of voice that I know hurts her and makes me disappointed in myself. Cue feelings of inadequacy, and guilt.

And the kicker is, that NONE of this is Butterfly's fault. She's a freakin angel child! This week we took her on a long car trip to Dalby, not knowing she was coming down with a cold. She never complained once. AND we arrived and drove around town ALL day looking at boring houses etc, and drove back the next day. I think I was grumpier than her!

So why am I blogging this now? To let Mummas know that its OK to have bad days... to let myself know as well! Sometimes its easy to look into people's "blog lives" and see nothing but rainbows and puppy dogs. It can easily make one feel inadequate.

So to you, myself, and a future Butterly who will one day be a mother herself...

Its OK to have bad days

Its OK to swing from "I never need a break from motherhood! I LOVE sharing my showers with a small person!" to "OMG someone PLEASE take her for the morning so I can chill OUT!"

Its OK to blog about the bad times, in fact it is therapeutic

Its OK for motherhood to be hard at times. No one said it would be easy!

See, I'm already feeling much better! I can't take back days where I've felt like a bad mother. All I can do is wake up tomorrow and be the best mother I possibly can!

Peace xx