I am not the type of person you will see with a status update like, "Butterfly is SO annoying! Give me 5 minutes of peace kid!" Its not my bag, baby. I'm a big believer in not slagging your kids out, especially not on the net where they could potentially see it one day. And ESPECIALLY not in front of them. I'm also a believer in putting out positive energy to recieve it in return.
So I rarely blog about the times that motherhood is really tough. I'm pretty private in that regard. I feel like, I advocate attachment parenting because I strongly believe it is the best way to raise a child, so its hard to turn around and admit that sometimes its really hard. Advocates of CIO, for example, have an advantage in that they can say, "Let your child cry themselves to sleep, it'll be a tough few nights but then you'll be able to sleep through the night!" Its so appealing to a yet-to-be parent or a new mother struggling with a crying newborn.
I get to say, "Attachment parenting is great! I breastfeed to sleep, and whenever Butterfly wants it through the night! Which is, like, hourly..." Its not very appealing, huh. BUT I have friends who do the same and their babies sleep through (or wake ONCE) from a few months old. If you end up in the same situation as me, it IS hard, but I totally believe it is worth it. I've committed to putting in the hard yards for an amazing end result. I'm not after a quick fix.
Much of the time Butterfly and I coexist happily, each content with the situation. Not lately. I've been having a rough time. My period returned, which saw a week of REALLY painful breastfeeding. Funnily enough although that was painful I managed OK. What has really gotten me down is Butterfly's new feeding habits. Now, I know full well that she is both teething and sick. It still doesn't prevent my blood from boiling when she asks for milk, has LITERALLY two sucks, asks, "Other?" has two sucks from that one, asks "Other?" and wants to feed like that for ten minutes. I try to keep a reasonably happy face on, when inside my head I am screaming obscenities and getting more and more frustrated. Which is totally counterproductive, I know, and I really should get onto reading "Buddhism for Mothers" by Napthali again!
I guess I'm still trying on my new hormones and having a small person in my personal space all the time is frustrating.
Also, nightweaning was a big fat FAIL. We did excellently, then she got sick, so we went back to night feeding. When we picked it back up it went OK for a few days, but then she started sobbing for milk during the night. I've consulted with my AP Obi Wan who says its OK that she isn't ready, and to try again later. Thats a MAJOR load off, because sticking it out would have meant far too much crying for my liking. However... it has taken its toll on me, having had a few decent nights sleep and then going back to sleep deprivation town. I'm acclimatising all over again!
My frustration levels have caused a slip in my peaceful parenting, and I've been snapping a lot more. I never scream at Butterfly (OK, so it might have happened once or twice), but lately I have been using a tone of voice that I know hurts her and makes me disappointed in myself. Cue feelings of inadequacy, and guilt.
And the kicker is, that NONE of this is Butterfly's fault. She's a freakin angel child! This week we took her on a long car trip to Dalby, not knowing she was coming down with a cold. She never complained once. AND we arrived and drove around town ALL day looking at boring houses etc, and drove back the next day. I think I was grumpier than her!
So why am I blogging this now? To let Mummas know that its OK to have bad days... to let myself know as well! Sometimes its easy to look into people's "blog lives" and see nothing but rainbows and puppy dogs. It can easily make one feel inadequate.
So to you, myself, and a future Butterly who will one day be a mother herself...
Its OK to have bad days
Its OK to swing from "I never need a break from motherhood! I LOVE sharing my showers with a small person!" to "OMG someone PLEASE take her for the morning so I can chill OUT!"
Its OK to blog about the bad times, in fact it is therapeutic
Its OK for motherhood to be hard at times. No one said it would be easy!
See, I'm already feeling much better! I can't take back days where I've felt like a bad mother. All I can do is wake up tomorrow and be the best mother I possibly can!