I LOVE peaceful parenting! I don't discipline with yelling or smacking. I encourage Butterfly to make good choices by modelling good behaviour, and by respecting her. Sure, sometimes she pushes the boundaries, all kids will, and I have no problem telling her not to do something. But, like the courtesy I extend to others, I ask her nicely instead of berating her for being naughty... after all, a toddler rarely knows she is doing something she ought not to... she's just trying to have fun!
And Butterfly is an awesome kid for it. She doesn't throw tantrums (she has in the past, but there was major life changes happening and she was entitled to them!) She is happy, she listens most of the time and says sorry if she knows she's acted inappropriately (hurt mum or dad etc).
Even still... today I managed to treat her as though she is the worst kid in the world.
I have a feeling my hormones are playing up (MP is still missing after my ectopic but feeding is tender)... at least that would be an awesome excuse. Lately I just haven't been coping very well. After a chat with a good friend I realised how isolated I'd become in my new town. I don't have any friends here... true I've met people, nice people, but you don't make a best friend in a day. I miss the weekly catchups with my girls, where we could hang out with each other and talk like adults while our kids played.
Here Butterfly and I stay at home a lot, and I guess we are sick of each others company. Its super hard being so attentive and peaceful (patience does take great effort sometimes!) without a break. Usually she wakes at 8.30 or 9am and then stays awake till 6pm when she goes to bed. So at least I get a few hours at night to myself.
Today she woke at 6.30am. I was SO tired but I thought, "Oh well, at least she'll have a nap today and I'll get a break". Well, as tired as she was she WOULDN'T NAP. This drives me INSANE. I spend aaaages lying there breastfeeding her trying to get her to sleep. Only for her to look sleepy then pull off an launch into an animated story about SeaWorld. FRUSTRATING.
So I say horrible things like "I don't WANT to hear you talk! Its time to sleep!" or worse. Sometimes she bursts into tears and says "No push me mummy! Very sad!" (she says push for emotional pushing, too). This makes me feel like SHIT.
Then later in the afternoon she wouldn't get off someone's driveway when they were backing out. In all fairness to her she was looking in the wrong direction and didn't compute what I was asking. But I lost it. I told her to move NOW! And dragged her roughly off the driveway. This broke her little heart. She was SO upset. And so was I. I knew I'd been a bitch for no reason and I desperately wished I could take it back!
I had to apologise to her SO many times today for my behaviour, it wasn't good enough. She deserves SO much better.
I have told my hubby I need a break. Not an hour here or there, but a whole day. I NEED it. For both of our sakes.
Tonight I got an invitation to go back to the Gold Coast and stay with a friend. I am SO excited! I think its exactly what we need. A break, some socialisation, an adventure!
So why am I writing this blog, admitting my worst when I could pretend it didn't happen? Because sometimes I feel so inadequate reading AP blogs, that other people's lives are all sunshine and puppy dogs. Maybe one of you is going through something similar. Maybe you have some advice.
I KNOW how to parent well. Its just not easy to apply ALL the time. I hope that Butterfly forgives me, and that tomorrow we can have a better day.
I love you Butterfly, and I'm sorry. You deserve the best Mum in the whole world, and none of what happened today was your fault. Please forgive me darling! *SOB*
oh im so glad u have totally shit days too! sometimes i think i am the only one who has days where i could lock myself in the cupboard and never come out!
ReplyDeleteespecially after having lola i didnt realise two would be such a HUGE adjustment for everyone... thank god i am not the only mum to have totally bitch moments! tomorrow is another day!
I think most of us have been there, Days, sometimes weeks or months when you simply have nothing left in the giving tank. Try not to beat yourself up. There is not one single child in the world that has been raised by the perfect parents adn so long as we are human, there never will be. Despite our best intentions, we all slip up and dont always parent in quite the way we would aspire to. But tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it...not yet anyway!! hugs
ReplyDeleteI think you're awesome! You're so honest! We all have those days but the important thing is you know when you make a mistake, say sorry and get help when you need it! You're amazing xx
ReplyDeleteSweetie... you aren't inadequate. The other AP moms out there are very judgmental, and they hold you (and themselves) to a standard that cannot be replicated by most people.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, we get angry for stupid reasons. Sometimes, we lash out at the people around us. What matters, what will stick with her when she's grown, is whether you apologize for your behavior.
I've been known to say, "I'm sorry. Mommy is feeling very angry today. I shouldn't have yelled at/jerked on/pushed you."
It's okay to have emotions. It's okay to be upset. What matters is if you treat them like a person AFTER the anger, or if you just feel guilty and ignore your own misbehavior.
Big hugs, honey. I have faith in you. You don't have to be the perfect AP Mom. You just have to be the the perfect Butterfly's Mom. <3
Hugs! I feel your pain. My PND makes me get cross at my DD who is 5 years old. I try not to but I just seem to have no control. My medication helps me A LOT!
ReplyDeleteAll the best.
Birdie
A big hug to you beautiful mommy! I know this feeling very well. You do it great going away for some days and breath!
ReplyDeleteHug, Angelique
Yep... been there, done that... felt like CRAP for it!
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU for sharing... I realise I am not alone when I read that other Mums (Mums who I think do a fabby job) get stressed and don't always show their best selves.
I hope you have a fantastic time away with friends- I am honest, I do manage a few hours away here and there a couple of times a month (oh and does a PT/2 day a week job count?)and I think I am a better (READ: more refreshed) Mama for it-- although the guilt creeps in as I step out that door-- but that folks, is natural...
Thanks for your honestly, as always, AC x
well i sure am glad to read that! i can be really awful to my kids sometimes. it is so hard to be with them all day everyday, no matter how much you love them. we all need to get some time to ourselves... somehow..... "how" is the question!
ReplyDeleteChildren in child care get treated like this by some carers every day! It is seen as normal. I have witnessed children being told to "SIT!" and being pulled down by their arms, or being told to "LAY DOWN" and practically being thrown onto their beds. My sister said that one of the staff where she works often force feeds the babies or young toddler by sitting them on her lap and holding their arms down and shoving a spoon in their mouth. This type of care happens every day and centre Directors either don't care, turn a blind eye or think that it is acceptable. The carers believe that it is the right way to treat a child, so no child is ever apologised to. So, so, so sad!
ReplyDelete