This morning Butterfly and I were going through her newborn clothes, putting them on her dolly (Abby). For fun, I got out her photo album of when she was born, to show her how small she used to be, wearing the same clothes as her doll! We opened the book and landed on the photos from her C section.
She stared. She got upset. "Whats THAT Mummy?"
"Thats the day you were born"
"Whose THAT?" pointing to the OB holding her, and sounding very upset
"Thats the Dr who delivered you"
"Where's MUMMY?" VERY upset now
"I'm there darling, thats my tummy, see?"
"WHERE'S MUMMY? WHERE'S DADDY?" Crying her eyes out
"We are there, but um, they had to take you and weigh you before they bought you to me, see?"
"WHY? Who is that?" Pointing to the other theatre staff
"I don't actually know sweetheart, people who helped with the operation"
She was in my lap at this point, crying her eyes out, wanting to be held. I'd close the book, but every so often she would open it again and ask some more questions. Tears tears tears.
The things she couldn't understand were:
WHY was a strange man in gloves holding her?
WHERE was Mummy and Daddy?
Who were those other people?
Why did Mummy have a monitor on her finger and chest? (She is very sensitive about those things since my ectopic, I can't wear a bandaid around her because she frets so much about my wellbeing)
I didn't have good answers for her. I wished this had come AFTER Christmas so she had her Mamamor VBAC doll so I could show her how she was born, and how babies SHOULD be born. (Yes I said should. Babies should be born naturally, by their empowered mother, not by a surgeon. SOME C sections are necessary, we all know that, but the rate sits around 30%. Unacceptable)
I didn't have the doll. All I could do was hold her and let her grieve and explain that babies are usually pushed out through a Mummy's vagina, but that I chose a c section because I didn't know any better. Is this too much information for a 2 year old? No. Its the truth. She was extremely disturbed by the photos and I confronted it with her and helped her through it. I could have closed the book, I could have spun her some sugar coated junk about what it was all about. But that's not how we roll.
There is nothing like a toddler to paint things so simply that it leaves you wondering... why WAS some guy holding her up like a trophy? Where was her MUM? Why were there so many people there? Why was Mummy hooked up to machines?
Answer: Mummy should have been holding you. Those people shouldn't have been there. We should have been in a dimly lit room with only those who loved you... you should have been pushed out and caught by Mumma... who was neither hooked up to machines nor being cut open.
Trust a 2 year old to understand how birth should be. If only everyone did.