Nightweaning... for REAL this time!

When Butterfly was a newborn, she slept 2 -4 hours at a stretch before needed milk. I was told how good this was. "Good?" I thought! "YOU try getting up every 2-4 hours to give a breastfeed and nappy change! I am SO tired!"

Well! At 6 months I got a rude shock. Someone flicked Butterfly's switch to "wakeful"... she would only sleep for an hour at a time, before crying for milk. Seriously, an hour! HALF an hour if she was sick or teethy. There were nights where I hadn't yet had a chance to get to sleep between feeds, and the sun was coming up! I don't know how I did it for so long, but I did. Well, cosleeping had a lot to do with it!

I think part of me stuck with it because I was only new to attachment parenting, and wanted to embrace it, so was reluctant to take any steps to get her to sleep longer that would result in crying. I am a reformed "baby trainer" and still had majuh guilt for letting her cry to sleep for so long! So crying was out of the question. When she cried, she got boob. I was happy with the situation, as tired as I was, because she was happy.

I don't regret the 18 months I spent suffering through the nightfeeds. At all. I think we needed this time, as healing for both of us. From the age of 2 months to 6 months we followed a sleep schedule set by the "Save Our Sleep" book, which meant crying to sleep, no talking or eye contact at night time, and I was pretty depressed and detached. So the closeness we shared at night helped both of us. I still have trouble forgiving myself for reading that book, but I have reconnected with my daughter on a deep level and I hope she forgives me. (NOTE: Butterfly began chronic nightwaking when on the routines. I switched to AP when her night time cry escalated to full blown hysteria and sobbing. As brainwashed as I had become my motherly instincts told it wasn't right!)

Readers of my blog would have read about my attempts at nightweaning before. They worked for a short time then failed. The first attempt went well, but I started feeding Butterfly just before dawn, and she began waking earlier and earlier till we were back where we started. Other attempts have been thwarted by illness (who can deny a sick child boob?). The past few months I have been restricting night feeds... she goes to bed at 6pm, would get boob at 11pm but would then wake pretty regularly after that until morning.

My plan this attempt was COLD TURKEY. No more milk at night. Not until the sun comes up! I gave her about 4 days notice that this was going to happen, and made sure she understood.

So at night now we go to bed, have milk, then she goes to sleep awake. Sometimes she rolls over and goes to sleep immediately, sometimes she wants to sing and talk and kick her legs for ages first! When we first stopped feeding to sleep she would cry for milk before she went to sleep. Understandable, it must be such a lovely, dozy way to fall asleep!

Then... no milk until sunrise. NO MILK AT ALL. The first night was TERRIBLE. She cried for hours. Yes, hours. It has taken me a long time to allow her to cry at night. Like I said, I still have guilt issues, and I am VERY against the "Cry It Out" method. I realised, however, that this is NOT CIO. Not once was Butterfly left to cry alone, in the dark. I was by her side the whole time, offering cuddles, water and even a "fake booboo" (YES! I am a dork but I did buy Joss her very first dummy at 2 years old! She rightly rejected it, but I wanted to have one in case things got bad). I allowed her to be sad, to get mad, to grieve, to let it all out. And boy did she!

In the morning we talked about it. She said, "Dossie very sad. Booboos go sleep. Dossie very crying. Booboos wake now?" I let her feed as much as she wanted during the day, I didn't deny her once. I knew she would be insecure and wanted her to know she wasn't being weaned completely.

Night 2 was much better! She woke and cried probably 2 or 3 times, but no where near the intensity of the night before. Night 3 was about the same, night 4 maybe one short crying episode. Last night she went to bed later than usual (10pm) due to an out of character day nap, and didn't wake until right on dawn! WOW! She feeds at dawn and goes back to sleep, waking sometimes for more milk. I don't mind, I can deal with that! She gets up around 8am usually.

Tonight she went down at 6pm, its 9pm now and she just woke. She didn't cry, just asked for me, and allowed me to cuddle her back to sleep. She didn't even ask for milk! AMAZING!

I have learnt a few things from this journey. One is that you should always ask for help and be honest! I thought I would get criticised by my AP friends for mentioning night weaning, or for not feeding to sleep. When I finally got the guts to ask, I was surprised how many have been through the same thing! I also learnt that you don't have to FEED your child to sleep to be an attached parent. I think Butterfly is the type of kid who, if fed to sleep, needs it between sleep cycles. Some kids don't, I have many friends who feed to sleep without any issues!

Everyone has their breaking point. I reached mine and had to resort to drastic nightweaning measures. I don't recommend it to everyone, I think as long as you and your baby are happy then continue along your path. If you simply can't keep it up, its OK to make changes. Its OK to stop breastfeeding to sleep. Its OK to make tough decisions that may upset your child temporarily. Having said that I don't think there is ever a time where your baby has to cry ALONE. Be there for them, comfort them, love them. I don't think I would try nightweaning a child before they turn 1. 2 if you can handle it! Babies need their mothers, day and night, and time spent meeting their needs really pays off in the long run.

If you are the parent of a wakeful child, I feel for you! I hope you get some decent sleep soon. I also hope this nightweaning effort will be the end of my sleepless nights. I hope to get pregnant again soon and start the ride all over again! *YAWN*

Peace

Honesty of a different kind...

Up until now I have been totally fine with my daughter's chronic night waking. I went in there every hour and fed her with a smile. I thought I'd just leave it until she grew out of it, after all, she CAN'T do it forever, right?





On Friday I began nightweaning.





It was a very difficult decision, and when Friday came around, I was all emotional about the end of an era. Night feeds had become such a huge part of our relationship, it was all we knew. I wasn't sure I was ready for that to end!





Jocelyn started nightwaking at 6 months old, she is now 21 months. The first few months were VERY had on me, then I just got used to it. I stopped getting upset over it, and I didn't feel very tired. We were both happy with the situation, so we stuck with it. I am VERY against the CIO method (having tried it before), and vowed NEVER to do it.





Then my back went again, last week. Rolling over for night feeds was agony. Then I got sick too. I started entertaining the idea of nightweaning with my physio, but was worried what other AP Mums would think of me. I didn't realise I was caught in the trap of wanting to fit into the perfect AP role until I read a blog linked on Sausage Mama the other day. After realising everyone is different and I had to do what was best for US, I relaxed enough to reach out and ask others on the net how to gently night wean.

Joss taking advantage of my immobility!

To my utter surprise, even my most hardcore AP friends piped up with what THEY did. YES! THEY did it too! They got to a point that they felt they had to take action in order to get more sleep.





Now, by action, I DO NOT mean the CIO method. Although inevitibly there is some crying involved.





To me, CIO is putting your child to bed, walking out and letting them cry until they fall asleep. None of the "AP" mums I know let their children cry ALONE. They tend to them, help them through it.





So my action plan was this. For days before the scheduled "nightwean date", if Jossie's feeds got too long (ie one side, ask for other, other side, ask for other, other side, ask AGAIN) I would say, "No sweetheart. Mummy's booboos are sleeping. You can have some more later". There was protesting in the form of crying for about, 20 seconds I'd say. Then she'd go to sleep.





Night 1 of nightweaning, I fed her to sleep, but told her to say "nighnies to Mummy's booboos, they will wake up when the sun comes up". She shook her head "no". She understood, and didn't want it to happen! Thats why I chose this age, not 6 months old. She is old enough to understand!





First 2 times she woke, I told her "booboos sleeping", she cried for 20 seconds while I held her. Then she went to sleep! I thought, "Gee, this is a peice of CAKE!". Next 2 times she woke, I held and kissed her and offered her water for 10 minutes while she cried on and off. It was heartbreaking, but I was there to comfort her through it. I began feeding her again when the sun came up, regardless of whether she was truly waking up or not. I never know WHEN she will wake up for good, so that was my time to begin feeding again.





The second night saw less waking, but a few long stretches of crying. Third and fourth night, she would only get upset for 20 seconds, have a cuddle and go back to sleep! On the third night, she even went to sleep cuddling me instead of on the boob (her OWN choice!)





Last night, she fed to sleep at 6pm (due to no day nap) and only woke and asked for me at 10.30pm! That is MAJOR for a girl who usually wakes hourly! Alas, she woke at 1am feverish and vomiting, so I abandoned all nightweaning thoughts and fed her all she liked, of course. I'll do the same tonight if she's not better. My daughter will ALWAYS have access to night boobs if she is sick or sore.





The whole process has been hard (especially when I was sick myself), but not as hard as I expected. I was stupidly worried that after night 1 she would be mad at me and not love me as much. I worried for no reason, she woke up cheerfully, kissing my cheeks and ready for a great day! I was so grateful to her for that.





This is in no way an instructional blog on how to nightwean. And I don't even suggest anyone do it! Especially under the age of 1, and I was even disappointed in myself that I didn't last till she was 2. But I wanted to do it now as we are moving towns soon, and I thought it unfair to uproot her from all she knew, then suddenly exclaim "Oh PS! NO nightboobs anymore!".





I decided to nightwean due to sickness and injury at the age of 21 months old. And yes, because I would LOVE a whole nights sleep! And yes, truth be told, I am hoping a happy side effect will be the return of my fertility. I can't deny that!





I do not regret feeding to sleep (which I am still doing, btw), or nightfeeding up until now. It was hard but rewarding. (And a great excuse for hubby to do the morning shift on weekends and let you sleep in!)





It was just time.

Happy Anniversary Angel Pie!

It has been one whole year since Butterfly started waking hourly during the night. ONE YEAR.

Now, before she was 6 months old, she would only wake once per night. Then, one week before Christmas last year, everything changed...

We used to be on TH routines (VOMIT), so she always went to bed awake, and would cry for me for a few minutes before falling asleep. I used to try and justify this (as TH does in her book) by saying it was just a "whinge", an attention cry, not an emotional cry. Looking back now it breaks my heart to think that every night my beautiful daughter went to sleep begging me to stay with her, to hold her, make her feel secure. And I ignored it. I hope you realise how incredibly difficult it is to admit all of this to you, and how much my heart aches for the time we lost listening to that stupid book! I am getting very emotional writing this...

At 6 months old, that "whinge" turned into an emotional cry... screaming, sobbing, basically it escalated to a point that I, brainwashed as I was, couldn't ignore it. So I began breastfeeding Jocelyn to sleep. And she began waking on the hour, every hour, for more boobies. MAJUH sleep deprivation! So I searched for an answer, and all I kept coming across was the "Cry it Out" method. The alternatives to listening to the crying were, "Go outside so you don't hear it"! I mean, where the FECK was I looking to have come up with advice like that?

So we tried it, I mean I've blogged about this before... so yes, we tried it. Yes, it "worked" (ie she stopped night waking), but it didn't sit right. So I only lasted a few nights before buying and reading "The Continuum Concept" by Jean Leidloff... I'd heard Sausage Mama raving about it and thought it might have an answer. It did.

I learnt a LOT. A baby craving a parent close, settling them to sleep peacefully was not a selfish, naughty WANT. It is a NEED. Having someone calm them at night when they wake up in the dark is a NEED. Sleeping with a parent during the night is the most natural and soothing thing for a child (not to mention I got SO much more sleep!) The Continuum Concept gave me the confidence to parent instinctually, to give my daughter what she needed. And what she needed was ME. I felt like such an ASS for ever following a baby trainers advice, but hey, I was a new Mum and the book seemed to have all the answers.

So I started breastfeeding to sleep, cosleeping, and attending to Joss lovingly every time she woke. YEP, it was hourly, and YEP, I was sleep deprived! But HAPPY and at PEACE. And I knew I was doing the right thing.

That is what has gotten me through this past year. The knowledge that I am doing what is best for my beautiful little girl. If someone had've told me that the hourly waking was going to last a week, I would have cried. I never imagined that a year later, she would still be waking during the night! Having said that, it has slowly improved over time. Now she wakes twice or three times a night on a good night, hourly if she is sick or teethy. We just deal with it as it comes.

Sleep deprivation sucks ass, but I have found some ways to deal with it...

• Sleep when Butterfly sleeps (ie nap during the day)



• COSLEEP! Sometimes I barely wake up, just roll over and offer the boob, and go back to sleep. Getting up and going into the nursery was the real killer. We have Butterfly's cot (with one side removed) against our bed, so essentially we sleep on the same surface but have our own space. Research safe cosleeping before doing it.



• Surround yourself with positive people. I hang out with AP friends who never once pushed the CIO method on me, just supported me through the rough times. Having CIO thrust upon you on your worst days isn't healthy.

Life hasn't been easy this past year, I have had horrible days, horrible nights and times where I felt like I couldn't keep going. Don't be under the illusion that it is easy. I have always said that if I get to the end of my tether I will read Elizabeth Pantley's "No Cry Sleep Solution"... but I don't know what that book is like because I've never reached breaking point.
Now, not every babe who is breastfed to sleep will wake hourly. Actually, before we went on "routines" Butterfly would sleep 4 hours straight (as a newborn!). Most of my friends' babes haven't gone through this (the ones who BF to sleep I mean).
But if your child IS like Butterfly, take heart. It won't be forever. It does improve and it does get easier. I'm at the point where I FEEL less tired than when she would only wake once a night! Its such a great investment, Butterfly is a wonderfully happy, smart and confident child! She isn't the overtired monster I was led to believe she would be, if she wasn't forced into a "one size fits all" routine *Blows huge raspberry to Ms Hall*


I am happy. I wasn't always. I didn't realise how depressed I was until I put down that book, the clouds cleared, and I started to enjoy the intimate time during the night I spend meeting Butterfly's needs. Its my job as a mother and I relish it!

I look forward to having another baby. If he or she is a night waker like Butterfly? BRING IT ON! I can't wait to be a mother all over again! To those who think I won't be able to handle Butterfly when I have another, well, I will show them... I don't care what anyone says, how they parent their own kids, I have found my happiness and no one can take that away from me.

PEACE